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Hello, and welcome to “ASK IRIS EXPLOSION!” A new sex column for Orange Krush Girls.

I’m Iris, a sex educator, burlesque performer, nerd and pervert, and I’m here to help you with all your dirty sex and dating questions.

Let’s get rolling!

I am new to Anal Sex. Do I need a high colonic before, and after, to stay clean? How do I not get feces all over my lover/bed/self?

We may as well get started off right, with all the anal sex and poop. OK there, cowpoke, you need to slooooow down. I promise you, you are not going to get a geyser of poop every time you stick something up a butt. The butt in question needs to ask itself one thing first: does it need to poop right now?
If yes: DON’T DO THE BUTT STUFF. Just as you wouldn’t give a blowjob once you’ve put a big spoonful of pudding in your mouth (unless you’re into that), don’t engage in anal play when you’ve got a round in the chamber.
If no: Cool! Things are probably a go. If you want to be sure you’re clean, the butt-fuckee (or the butt-fucker, for extra funsies) can put a nice soapy finger up their butt in the shower and rinse things out. You can also douche with warm water only an hour or two before anal go time.
It’s best enjoy anal play a few hours after your last bowel movement, and to keep a fiber-rich diet (eat them leafy greens!). If you encounter trace amounts of poo, I promise, it’s not the end of the world, just an occupational anal hazard. Go slow, relax, use lots of lube, love, and maybe some latex gloves for extra cleanliness, and you and your lovers/furniture/self will emerge from this squeaky clean!

Why do people do that stupid thing where they wait to respond after a date?

Like, if you had a good date why wouldn’t you want to let them know that night or the next day that you had a good time?
Ugh, the worst. I think the problem comes from the economic concept of scarcity, falsely applied to dating. The idea is that the less they communicate with you, the more important or valuable their communication will seem, and the crazier you’ll go for them. Or they’re scared they’ll come off as desperate. Either way, it’s silly, and I recommend taking the lead with texting. If you had a good time and want another date, take the initiative and let them know.

Basement dwelling nerd, cant meet any girls. When I have in the past any signs or hints of interest go right over my head. I mean way over my head, cause I know they are there after or being told. Got out of a bad long term relationship a few years ago that has kind haunted me. Now that I think I’m ready to go out and try and flirt, I don’t know what girls would be interested in me, and if they were I don’t think I will be able to tell if they are disgusted by me or interested.

Awww, bb. Clearly girls are already into you, and your cluelessness may be a strength, odd as that may seem. My guess is that you haven’t been aggressively hitting on women, and instead are chill and un-creepy around them. Surprise, surprise, treating women like cool people is a great way to get them to like you, especially the nerdy ones, since you’ll have a lot of mutual interests. Bone up on how to read flirtatious body language: eye contact, small touches, engaged conversation— these are all usually a green light. Red light signals are eye contact avoidance, lots of “uh-huhs” instead of sustained conversation, and a sense that she’s backing away from you. If you start feeling that, let things go and do not take it personally. It doesn’t hurt to be up front, too, and just ask if they’re interested in you. No games, no PUA bullshit, just be nice, be honest, and be able to disengage gracefully if she says no. Most importantly of all, get your ass out of that basement!

About the Author

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